A Modest Proposal

 

 A Modest Proposal for Improving the Olympic Games; Reducing the Burthen to the Country where they might be Held, and the Planet as a whole; for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick; and Increasing Human Harmony.

I have long been of the opinion that the Olympic Games, intended to demonstrate and encourage the best in humanity through sport, now generate misery, strife, nationalism, and many other of the worst aspects of our species.

 

The games have become a portmanteau for anything that might conceivably be regarded as a competition, from abuse arms races to Zyzzyva training. The complexity of holding the games hence has increased geometrically. In turn the costs have gone up to such an extent that many host cities have been near bankrupt after the games. The desire to hold the games is itself a major competitive event. Prestige and nationalism seem to be the drivers, but the idea is usually sold on the benefits that will accrue after the games, in terms of facilities and infrastructure. These benefits have never accrued to the scale assumed beforehand, and usually the residual benefit is negligible. Then when the games are held, the cost to the ecosphere and to the planet is horrendous.

The actual competition generates awareness of difference, and amplifies the dark corners of the psyche. Cheating, however defined, becomes rife, as do efforts to contain it. The results from national teams are regarded as signifiying the worth of the country. Individual competitors are heros if successful, heinous villains if less than completely successful. The individuals concerned are categorized, graded, and then have only limited control over their own destiny, as national concerns run roughshod over the individual.

 

What to do?

 

I have a modest proposal that will remove many of these problems and alleviate most of the rest.

 

Adoption of six (or seven) basic principles would return the intent of the games back to their origins. Perhaps games held under these principles should be called The Primitive Olympics.

• No national teams - competitors should compete only as individuals, with no national insignia, of whatever sort, allowed in or around the games.
• No categorisation of competitors. So Paralympics and Olympics merge. No sex or gender categorisation - so all compete together. No weight categories - mostly weightlifting, boxing, wrestling, and other martial sports affected. No categories of any other sort.
  
• No team sports. Removes football, cricket, equestrian, synchronised swimming and diving, doubles in racquet sports, relays, and the like.
• Objective decisions only. Any sport that relies on human judgement excluded. So no gymnastics (my favourite sport, but it has to go), diving, ice skating, dance, etc.
  
• No complex equipment. Complexity level to be set at simple levers, thrown objects, obstacles. Eliminates biathlon, any cycling event that does not have a single fixed gear only, all but the simplest of dingy racing (no spinnakers, or complex rigging), and so on.
• Standardised equipment. Where equipment is permitted (see previous) it should be completely standardised and supplied by the organisers at random to the competitors.
• No clothes. I know that this proposal may be regarded as too extreme, which is why it is the last principle. It does, with the principles concerning equipment, remove super-slippery fabrics and the like from swimming and diving competitions.