The Horror! The Horror!

This blog is unsuitable for those of a sensitive disposition. It contains descriptive material that may cause some people to feel actively nauseous, not to say severely ill. You continue at your own risk to health, sanity, and sense of decency.]

Let me paint you a picture of a normal Saturday morning in a large town or city. There are lots of people on the street, some busily doing their necessary weekend shopping; others strolling and doing shopping as a pastime; and some activities have sprung into being precisely because it is the weekend. Oh look - over there somebody is trying to draw attention to a wedding fair. You have those in your country as well, so I expect you have a good idea of the picture I am trying to draw. If you just let me have a peek at your picture.....mmmm..... not exactly what I have in mind.....

[Note to those with cast iron constitutions that have reached this far: I am only describing the on-street advertising designed to draw people into the weddding fair. I am not describing the event itself, as I am either not man enough, or too much a man to venture into such surroundings.]

....Let's see what we can do to adjust your mind to reality. You are imagining a table to hold the leaflets, and a couple of photo stands to hold pictures of the gowns and so on. This really doesn't give us enough scope to draw people in, though the photo stands are a good idea. You were imagining a stand to take 4'x2'6" photos - throw those out and replace them with decent sized stands - 18'x 12' - yes that's about right. Now throw that table out - lets have some really decent infrastructure to support pictures of the fair, and some examples of the merchandise. How about an 25m long double barreled inflatable triumphal arch - yes that's much more like it. Now, we've really got space to hang photos, pictures of the merchandise, samples of the bouquets, example wedding dresses hung in transparent display wardrobes; and pictures of everything on offer in the fair.

...So how are we doing: mmmmm....your picture is still really rather dull isn't it. What's the problem? Oh I see, your imagination is just not up to the task - it's the merchandise - your view of it is boring isn't it (no offence, but you'd never make it in the marketing business). What can we do about your picture - oh you have seen documentaries about Roma weddings, and wedding gear - now that is much more like it - just make it a triple order of gypsy ornamentation on every item - yes much better. Now all we need to do is add a sensible amount of decoration and frills and furbelows, lace and lavender, ruches and revants, sequins, icing, arches of flowers and tucks and twizzles. Now we're getting somewhere - are you sure you don't want some extra lace there? What's that - you are worried about the size of the bouquets - quite right, they are a bit cramped - they are only a couple of feet across - far too small. Throw them out and replace them with those over there that are a reasonable size - yes dustbin lid size is so classy isn't it? And they will allow us to add some more loops of flowers, and lace, and sequins. Do have a bit more decoration on everything - there's no such thing as too little decoration. How about some icing on the bouquets - so elegant?

So what does the picture look like now? I don't know, there is still something amiss with your picture.......let me have a think for a minute.....Oh it's obvious, it's the colour scheme. You in the west think that white is quite a good idea for a wedding. Well it is popular here too, but it is also regarded as the colour of death. So we'll allow you one white dress, but you are going to have to adjust it a bit. How about this black foot wide lace? Yes if we do that as a triple spiral zigzag all the way from the ground to the bust - yes that takes the edge off all that nasty whiteness. As for the rest, well the colour that is lucky is red so everything will have to be red. But don't worry, anywhere in the red spectrum will do nicely, and it does support decoration ever so well. Let's put on some more sequins and lace just to make sure. Now we can do everything in this nice range of analine dyes - acid drop pink; ultra violent purple; silly scarlet; maundering mauve; - what - you want to mix the colours up - oh I'm so glad you're starting to get the idea - yes two pinks, purple, red, and  orange fit so well in the overall oevre don't they........


[This advertisment was visible from about 800m away (a very busy city,divided into city blocks, by road intersection, does tend to break up sight lines). It took about 45s to negotiate just as a pedestrian, and it was visible by osmosis at the back of the neck as I withdrew.]

But I survived

The Horror! The Horror!